Enough already. Liars don't change.

I've had it with men who lie. I cannot deal with a man who is inconsistent, volatile, a liar, mean (but can't admit it!), self-serving, and a drinker. It's just absolutely crazy-making. May I never, ever forget how much I value honesty and emotional consistency.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live with the fear, isolation, and general fucked up feeling of being in a relationship with someone who is so incredibly solipsistic, insecure, and pathological. I can't tell what is real when I am around someone who is a master of manipulation and obfuscation. I must avoid these people; they are the death of my soul. I am susceptible to their version of reality, to their charm, to their bullying. There is no cure but avoidance.

I love my women friends, my sisters, my mom, my daughter. These are the people I can count on and who do not let me down, do not expect me to obliterate myself to be in a relationship with them, do not accuse me of malicious intent whenever I make an independent move. They do not threaten to cut off contact with me if I displease them. They do not yell at me. They do not call me names. They do not tear me down and then tell me that I'm not giving enough. They build me up and without them I would be truly a mess. They help me to know what is real.

Someone wise once said, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's that you don't play the game." I'm going to use this simple idea to guide my actions over the next few days. "Disengage" is my mantra right now.

February = cruel

Fred is mad because I refuse to be back up child care for him when his pregnant girlfriend goes into labor sometime this month. The guy is nuts, isn't he?

I've shed a few tears over the last few days. What single person doesn't dread Valentine's Day? I reject the premise of Valentine's Day and I think it mostly creates expectations that are unrealistic. And yet it makes me feel bad. I'm living in exile from the world of coupledom. (I like Woman's Day in Russia as an alternative -- everyone gets flowers from friends, family, and co-workers, it's not about the romantic dyad, and it's not about proving one's devotion through purchases of cards, candy, jewelry, etc.)

I'm looking forward to being insanely busy when the semester is in full swing. Less time to feel lonely. I'm not ALONE. I have closer friendships and relationships now and more of a support network than I ever had when I was still married. BUT, I would like to have a partner -- someone to talk to, cuddle with, share life's ups and downs. I'm longing for that -- and I longed for it when I was still married. I had it sometimes, but inconsistently, and in the last year of my marriage almost not at all.