Enough already. Liars don't change.

I've had it with men who lie. I cannot deal with a man who is inconsistent, volatile, a liar, mean (but can't admit it!), self-serving, and a drinker. It's just absolutely crazy-making. May I never, ever forget how much I value honesty and emotional consistency.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live with the fear, isolation, and general fucked up feeling of being in a relationship with someone who is so incredibly solipsistic, insecure, and pathological. I can't tell what is real when I am around someone who is a master of manipulation and obfuscation. I must avoid these people; they are the death of my soul. I am susceptible to their version of reality, to their charm, to their bullying. There is no cure but avoidance.

I love my women friends, my sisters, my mom, my daughter. These are the people I can count on and who do not let me down, do not expect me to obliterate myself to be in a relationship with them, do not accuse me of malicious intent whenever I make an independent move. They do not threaten to cut off contact with me if I displease them. They do not yell at me. They do not call me names. They do not tear me down and then tell me that I'm not giving enough. They build me up and without them I would be truly a mess. They help me to know what is real.

Someone wise once said, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's that you don't play the game." I'm going to use this simple idea to guide my actions over the next few days. "Disengage" is my mantra right now.

February = cruel

Fred is mad because I refuse to be back up child care for him when his pregnant girlfriend goes into labor sometime this month. The guy is nuts, isn't he?

I've shed a few tears over the last few days. What single person doesn't dread Valentine's Day? I reject the premise of Valentine's Day and I think it mostly creates expectations that are unrealistic. And yet it makes me feel bad. I'm living in exile from the world of coupledom. (I like Woman's Day in Russia as an alternative -- everyone gets flowers from friends, family, and co-workers, it's not about the romantic dyad, and it's not about proving one's devotion through purchases of cards, candy, jewelry, etc.)

I'm looking forward to being insanely busy when the semester is in full swing. Less time to feel lonely. I'm not ALONE. I have closer friendships and relationships now and more of a support network than I ever had when I was still married. BUT, I would like to have a partner -- someone to talk to, cuddle with, share life's ups and downs. I'm longing for that -- and I longed for it when I was still married. I had it sometimes, but inconsistently, and in the last year of my marriage almost not at all.

Second chance

Today I read a copy of Krispy's divorce decree. Her divorce was final in December, and Fred moved into her house that same month. My attorney told me to get a copy of the decree and forward it to her.

I had been DREADING actually learning the particulars. I didn't want to read about my ex and his pregnant you-know-what buying her house together. But, since my motto this week is "ignorance creates anxiety; knowledge is power", I decided to finally just do it.

I drove to the downtown courthouse, went through security, shook like a leaf while ordering a copy of the decree. Then I sat down right there and read it. And then I LAUGHED OUT LOUD!!

Krispy's now ex-husband was loaded. Not loaded like Bill Gates, but compared to my ex, who was much better at accumulating debt than assets, he looks like quite a gem. I have to think that someday Krispy is going to wake up and think, "What the hell have I done?" Fred has 6-figure debt. And now he has two different families to support.

I also had to laugh reading that there will be a hearing six months after their baby is born to establish paternity. What a disgrace! And so glad it is not MY disgrace!

I can't stop laughing. For some reason, this knowledge that Krispy gave up one solvent, honest, hard-working, good-looking (I met him once), and fairly well-to-do guy -- with ZERO DEBT -- for a guy who cheated on his wife, left his four-year-old daughter, has no assets other than a house that is now devalued to less than the mortgage, and has gargantuan debt -- this knowledge is making me feel really free. That could have been me: married to a cheater, a drinker, a spender, a workaholic, an alcoholic.

But it's not. I AM FREE. I feel like I walked away from a deadly crash that should have killed me. I walked away and now I have a second chance to live the life I was meant to live.